All in God’s Time

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All in God’s time     

Twelve years ago, I had a miscarriage. It wasn’t my first and, as you will soon see, it wouldn’t be my last.

I felt bad that I hadn’t bonded with the baby, not the way I did with my other kids. I didn’t think about what would be going on the month they were born; how our family would be forever changed. I already had a name, of course. This would be my Clare. Years before, when I popped out one boy after another, I would tell people, “Jenna and Clare are members of the family; they just aren’t here yet.” Well, little Jenna Cat was fourteen months old and so, of course, this would be my Clare.

Except it wasn’t.

Not knowing the gender, I named the baby Francis and told his patron, “I’m naming the baby after you so you will intercede for me to have my Clare.”

It was a brutal miscarriage. I’ll spare you the details except to say the paramedics had to rush me to the hospital and I had a D&C in the middle of the night because I had lost so much blood. I was moments away from a transfusion.

That night as I laid in the hospital, my arms and legs strapped to apparatuses that kept me from developing a blood clot, I thought of my sweet Jenna, who up to that point I was still nursing and how blessed I was to have big sister, Megan, to take care of my baby.

I spent a week in bed. Another month recovering. And although me and St. Francis had a deal, I was so sick I honestly didn’t want any more children. I couldn’t go through that again. Perhaps, I was too old, already having celebrated my fortieth birthday.

But then, I got better.

And, I thought to myself, I don’t want that to be my last pregnancy. I don’t want to end on such a sour note. I decided we would have just one more.

Keep in mind, I didn’t discuss the situation with the father of my children. Following the teachings of the church, we didn’t use birth control. In addition, we didn’t have a grave and serious reason to avoid a pregnancy so Natural Family Planning wasn’t something we practiced either. Just let God be in control.

Time slipped by. Month, after month, after month, and I wasn’t pregnant again. People would often ask, “Are you going to have any more children?” and I would just smile and give the standard answer Ken and I had developed over the years, “We’re open to whatever God wants.” Except I wasn’t…What if God didn’t want me to have another baby? What if Jenna was my last? What if losing Francis really was the note God wanted me to end on? I couldn’t accept that.

I started praying.

I had three perpetual novenas going at the same time. First, I prayed to St. Gerard, the patron of expectant mothers. Next, St. Therese of Lisieux, for she was the ninth child in her family and Clare would be number nine in mine. Lastly, St. Clare of Assisi, of course.

I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but the more I prayed, the more time that went by and I wasn’t pregnant, the angrier I became. I am embarrassed to say, I was angry with God. How could He not want me to have any more children?

Eventually, Ken and I did talk about it and he understood where I was coming from. Other than him I had no one to talk to. How could I complain about my newfound infertility when I had eight beautiful children? I even had my little princess, Jenna, after all those boys.  

Time continued. Jenna turned two. Then she turned two and a half. Then she potty trained herself. After sixteen years of nonstop diapers, I was done. I even asked her, “Jenna, what am I going to do without a baby in the house?” Without skipping a beat, she responded, “Buy me a doggie?” Nice try, kid.

But then I had a moment. A Holy Spirit moment that I shared with my better half. “I think we’re done. This chapter of our lives is over and I’m okay with that.” I finally had the peace I desired.

And then I got pregnant.

Coming up to the room as I was getting ready for Mass Sunday morning, Ken knelt beside me. He was trying to convince me to let us tell the children our happy news before the boys left for St. Michael’s Summer Camp that afternoon. I was just so afraid. He looked at me and said, “We’re having a baby.” I immediately burst out crying, “I HOPE we do!!!” concerned about having another miscarriage. “No,” he corrected, “We have a baby, right now.” I stopped in my tracks and realized he was right. God gave us a baby. I have a baby living inside me right now. All of a sudden, I wiped my tears and realized, I don’t know if this child is going to live for one more day, or one hundred years, but I am this child’s mother and I will do everything in my power to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

A few weeks later I was in the doctor’s office for a routine ultrasound. Six-year-old Luke got to tag along after his dentist appointment. My best friend, Haylee, met me there, bringing along a coloring book and crayons for Luke. Why hadn’t I thought of that? Haylee had never been to an ultrasound with me before. I’m not sure why I invited her to this one. Except God knew that I would need her. Ken was at work. As I mentioned, it was just routine.

The technician and I chatted as she squirted goo onto my belly and fired up the machine. She asked me how many children I had and when I responded, “Eight,” she asked if any of them were twins. “Oh, no, just one at a time,” I exclaimed in a sing-song voice as I smiled. Then, she looked at me dead pan in the eye, “Cause this is twins.”

“What?!?” I reached out for Haylee’s hand, and she gave me a big squeeze. Twins? Seriously?!? How good is God? How utterly wonderful is our Creator? I was ecstatic.

I almost couldn’t keep a straight face as I called Ken and he asked how the baby was. “Oh, they’re fine…” I teased.

The kids were over the moon, especially Megan. We immediately had to come up with Baby B’s name, since, if we had a girl, her name would be Clare. Always loving when twins have special names that link them together, we came up with Callie, named for St. Callistus.

I was deliriously happy and reminisced about the time I babysat for twins and how God was preparing me for this moment!

The doctor had told me I would need an ultrasound each month as it was the only accurate way to check on the babies. In addition, I was of advanced maternal age, so I needed to see a specialist. The new doctor would perform the ultrasounds himself.

Ken was with me this time. The doctor found Baby A right away. Big smiles! But then time stood still as he searched for her womb mate. He looked and looked. I already knew before he found my second child. Baby B had stopped developing, probably around the time I found out of his or her existence. I was still pregnant with twins. I was still the mother of twins. But I would only get to raise one.

Clare Elizabeth Diane was born around 2:30 in the morning on March 22, 2012. She likes to hear the story of how she “swam out of me.” The doctor said the only thing holding her in was the sack of water and after this next contraction he would go ahead and break my water and she would be born. Only Clare had other ideas. The next contraction she broke through and my world has never been the same.

Ten years now and Clare knows she has a special sibling in Heaven. Clare knows she is a miracle. How I could have lost her along with her twin. How I prayed for her-I begged God for her. How I had to wait for her. And how God has a very special plan for her life.

Will you marry me?

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All my life I wanted to get married. I wanted to grow up, get married and have babies. The smooth talking, party boy college graduate in my parish’s Youth Group was not even on the radar. I knew I was definitely not his type.

Over the four years I knew Ken, I never once thought about dating him. Especially after he hired me to clean his house (the same house we currently live in). Perhaps the beer bottles and shot glasses that were strewn all over the living room should have been an indicator to me of life to come-only to be replaced by barbies, candy wrappers, and Legos. Lots and lots of Legos.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

When Ken broke up with his latest girlfriend and began flirting with me one warm September evening in the Large Hall at St. Nicholas, I didn’t know what to make of it. Why had we never gone out? I thought about the question he had asked me. Um, does he like me (all of a sudden)? Do I like him? Truth be told, I didn’t date much and I was just excited to be going to a nice dinner. I had no idea he was going to sweep me off my feet!

He brought me home from that first date and I closed and locked the door and looked in the mirror. “I could live like this for the rest of my life…” Yup-he was “the one”!

Within a month I knew he was going to propose as soon as he let me know, Steve, our future Best Man, was planning the bachelor party.

However, he had us on the two year plan. (Anyone else married to an accountant?) We were going to date for a year, get engaged, and then get married a year after that.

That plan got cut off by a few months. He just couldn’t resist surprising me on my 22nd birthday. I had strict orders to be home from breakfast with my best friend (I miss you, Haylee!!) by 10:00am. Soon after, the doorbell began to ring. First it was Ed delivering 22 roses-eleven red and eleven pink. Next, Steve showed up to hand me two black velvet dresses from Victoria’s Secret with directions to “pick one.” Ken was there shortly after with a fresh haircut, tuxedo and limousine. Let’s not forget the mixed tape of classic rock love songs he had spent the morning compiling.

Within a short time, our chauffeur had us safely dropped off at a park overlooking the ocean. We were then met by the guys who had successfully executed, “Operation Pop the Question,” with a table set up with champagne and glasses. I should have known something was up as soon as they gave us some privacy, video taping from a few yards away. However, Ken had me convinced this was all for my birthday. He was trying to make up for the low-key 21st birthday I spent with Haylee and Kelly watching, “The Little Mermaid.” (Still one of my favorite movies!)

So, when he bent down on one knee, I was totally BLOWN AWAY! This was it. This was the moment I had waited for all my life. This was the story I would tell my children and grandchildren. I was going to be a wife and subsequently, a mother. This is the story of the beginning of our family.

If you are old school, and still own a VCR, you could watch the tape but, honestly, all you’ll hear from it is me bawling.

So, here we are, thirty years and eleven kids later. Thirty wonderful years filled with:

Laughter, a wedding, babies, diapers, potty training, Mass, Rosary, First Saturday devotions, a remodel, Homeschooling, more babies, more diapers, USC football, flag football, soccer, car seats, 12 passenger van, driver training, eating out, game nights, dates with Dad, another remodel, another wedding,

And a lot, lot more laughter…

Living the Life of Lent

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I’ve been thinking about what to give up for Lent. A few years ago, my oldest daughter, Megan, and I (and 7 month old, Beb) went on a Mother/Daughter trip. It was the first weekend of Lent and the priest told us at the homily, “Don’t give up Oreos for Lent…Just eat one.” Whoa, dude! Back up now. Talk about sacrifice!!

Every year I would ask my mom, “What are you giving up for Lent?” And every year she would answer, “I’m not going to eat in between meals.” “Yeah, but what are you going to GIVE UP?!” I would retort back.

Then, I tried it. Not eating in between meals. It’s not easy. I’m hungry all the time. Well, not hungry. Bored. I know it’s hard to be bored when you have as many kids as I have. But, yes, I get bored, or stressed, or whatever. Like those chocolate chip cookies look really good and they won’t be as fresh tomorrow so I’ll just have one, or five.

This year I’ve been practicing not eating while I watch TV and then I spend the entire of episode of NCIS thinking about the blueberries and whipped cream in the fridge. Because, you know, fruit. And, really, the whipped cream doesn’t have that many calories per serving. Never mind the fact I’m eating as many servings as people living in my house.

Yesterday, while I proudly displayed my ashes for all to see (which was the exact opposite of the message in the Gospel) I was reflecting on things I should really give up for Lent.

How much different would my life look in six weeks if I gave up things like:

*Worrying

*Stress

*Complaining

*Procrastination

*Jumping to conclusions (which is pretty much the only exercise I’ve been getting lately)

What if this Lent I focused on things like being kind of others, being the Light of Christ to all I encounter, or giving others the benefit of the doubt?

What if there was less of me and more of Jesus? What if I focused more on the Gospel and less on Gossip?

It’s not going to be perfect. It’s not always going to be pretty. But it will be something. FlyLady says, “Cleaning your house imperfectly still blesses your family.” It’s like that for Lent, too. Making small sacrifices, however small, still blesses my soul. And that’s all God asks for us.

Lenten Update

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Now that we have less than 2 weeks until Easter, I am wondering how your Lent is going? Mine’s not going so well…or, at least, it wasn’t.

I had all these things I had wanted to do; books I wanted to read; sacrifices I wanted to make; crosses I wanted to carry; prayers I wanted to pray; time I wanted to spend helping others…the emphasis on *I*.

You see, God had a different plan for my life this Lent. Naturally, I hadn’t bothered to ask Him. I mean, all of my intentions were so “good” I just came to my own conclusion they were from our Lord.

But then life happened, or rather, life continued the way it was. It doesn’t take a break the six weeks before Easter. And, therefore, my Lent pivoted into something that looks like this:

Today for Lent, I may be…

Taking Clare and Sara to the dentist,

Taking Jenna and Sara for a haircut,

Driving the kids to soccer,

Pick the kids up from soccer,

Taking Sara and/or Aaron on a field trip,

Striping the soccer field,

Taking Stephanie and Martin bowling,

Opening a bank account for Martin,

Straightening things up at the Social Security office,

Getting a new cord for the piano,

Taking the family to confession,

Making breakfast,

Packing lunches,

Making dinner,

Doing the dishes,

Homeschooling my kids,

Accepting God’s will,

Surrendering to God’s will…etc.

Apparently, Lent is a time to just follow along with what God’s plan is and to be obedient to what He is calling me to do. Ever since I have done that I have experienced more peace and more joy. With that, I guess you could say, my Lent is going pretty darn well.

Best Lent Ever

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It was September 2023. I was on my way to Wisconsin for my future daughter-in-law’s bridal shower. I was reflecting that, after the shower, it would be another month until my own daughter, Stephanie’s, wedding. Then, two weeks later, Ken and I would be heading out of the country for a work trip to St. Martin. We came back on a Sunday and that Thursday was Thanksgiving. A week later we packed up the whole family to travel to Wisconsin again, this time for my son, Craig and Claire’s wedding. Came back to celebrate Jenna’s 15 birthday (Joshua turned 25 the day after but he lives in Nevada) and a week later, finally, I was able to begin planning for Christmas. Whew!

During a normal Advent I am stressed enough. You could even say I turned into the Grinch or Scrooge. I have a very Ba humbug attitude. It can be exhausting being the one in charge of shopping (Ken does help with this), wrapping (Ken does not help), baking, decorating, and making the Christmas magic shine through our hearts and homes.

Already back in September when I looked ahead at my calendar I was overwhelmed how I was going to accomplish all that needed to be completed by December 25.

However, something happened last December. I don’t know if you can hear the Lord calling you, but I heard Jesus personally invite me to come visit him in the chapel. And when I accepted that invitation even for just a few minutes between the grocery store and Walmart my day ceased being stressful. It was a delight to be present to my family and my gift to them (and especially to the One who’s birthday we were celebrating) was to accept the work that God was calling me to do.

And, you know what, Christmas was wonderful!

So, what does all this have to do with Lent? Well, I’m glad you asked…

While I was preparing for the birth of our Lord, the Holy Spirit put it on my heart (which is fitting since Ash Wednesday is on Valentine’s Day this year) to being thinking, “What am I going to do for Lent?” I have since then broken down my Lenten observation into three categories with the third having sub sections of its own. Here we go…

To start us off, prayer. I have a pretty good prayer schedule with my morning prayers, Chaplet of Mercy at 3:00 and evening Rosary with the family. Ken and I also make a Holy Hour every Friday as part of our Date Night. However, we switch gears and take the family to Stations of the Cross on Friday nights, which is wonderful, but leaves me without an hour of Adoration for the week. Therefore, my first resolve is to find the time earlier in the week to attend an hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament. In addition, I plan to read the mass readings of the day and meditate upon them on the days I can not go to daily mass, which, in this season of my life, is most days. I am also planning to read a Holy Book (instead of the latest Jack Reacher novel) and get me and the family to Confession. I am very excited about growing closer to God this lent.

As far as Fasting goes, most people automatically think, “What am I giving up for Lent?” I have a couple of things I plan to do. First, I am going to give up bread. I love bread!! So, it would be a good thing to offer up. My dear friend, Rita, says, “The only bread you need is the bread of life.” Some people only consume bread and water on their fasting days but I love bread so much I’m not sure that would be much of a sacrifice. Okay, so along with that, I think I should eat four times away. Basically, I want to eat so that I’m not eating in between meals. But I can’t seem to go from lunch to dinner running on empty. Therefore, around 3:00 I have a protein enriched snack. I am also considering abstaining from meat on both Wednesdays and Fridays. I’ll see how that goes.

The final piece is almsgiving. Ken and I give to charities on a regular basis along with our weekly church basket offering. But, for me personally, there isn’t an amount of money that would really (shall I use this word?) hurt to give. I could forgo a Boba milk tea and stash the money away in the rice bowl, but it really isn’t much to endure. Instead, I broke almsgiving down to time, talent, and treasure. This year I would like to take my time and talent and use them to bless others. Some examples include: making dinner for a friend whose baby is sick, visiting my nephew in the hospital, volunteering to help the homeless, and making time during the 40 days for life to pray in front of a planned parenthood.

I am super excited about the six weeks that God gives us to reclaim our lives for Christ. My hope is to take what I learn all the way through the end of the year…and beyond. I would love to hear how you are celebrating Lent this year and pray that God may bless you as well.

It’s a wrap…2023

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We started the year by meeting Craig’s girlfriend and wrapped up 2023 welcoming a daughter-in-law into our family. Before Craig went back to school for spring semester of his senior year, his girlfriend, Claire, came for a visit and we got to meet this wonderful young lady who stole our son’s heart. Little did I know this would be the last Christmas (2022) and birthday that Craig would spend at home.

Also in January, Ken and I enjoyed a day at the Happiest Place on Earth (for free, thanks to a co-worker) and we met up with our old friend, Karen-Leigh.

In addition, Clare was privileged to play on the All-Stars soccer team and I had to laugh as I stood watching her tournament in the POURING RAIN, wondering why they didn’t just cancel the game. They lost but I still get to keep the memory. Our middle child, Luke, became an adult, which means we have more adults in the family than minors! Luke was able to obtain a Costco card and now does my grocery shopping weekly. The younger kids were very disappointed that I no longer took them to get their samples.

Ken and I enjoyed two wonderful shows last winter. First, To Kill a Mockingbird, with Richard Thomas was phenomenal and Staged with Rita Rudner at the Laguna Playhouse was especially funny considering we didn’t realize we had bought tickets to a play because the last time we saw her perform there it was a one woman show!

On a sad note, we lost a very dear friend, Denise Hall, who began the homeschool group I still belong to twenty-five years ago.

February brought us Mark’s 16th birthday and his pet bearded dragon, Draco. Draco is a wonderful animal who doesn’t bark or pee on my carpet. Also, he’s a little boring but I still love him. In addition, Gabriel officially received his diploma and left his job at Target just in time for his trip to Scotland to visit with friends.

Spring was filled with soccer for the girls, Stations of the Cross with Ken’s co-worker, Rose, Craig’s proposal, and Mark’s confirmation. Mark also got his driver’s license in May, right before Ken, Sara, and I left for Steubenville for Craig’s graduation. Claire’s parents also came out to Steubenville to celebrate Craig and meet us! The next day was Mother’s Day and the day after that we celebrated Sara’s 9th birthday right before we came back home.

The summer was filled with the beach and park days. I was privileged to speak at our homeschool conference and Clare was the perfect assistant at my Norwex booth. Sissy had her bowling league and enjoyed a week at RAD camp. The girls went to Blossom camp (Jenna had her first year as a junior counselor) and Mark was a floater at St. Michael’s Summer Camp the same week. That left me alone with the six-year-old. Beb and I had a blast spending time together every day. I treasured this special time with my son as he is growing up fast.

The month of August found us at Whispering Winds for family weekend. We brought the four youngest who enjoyed the campfire (and songs and s’mores), karaoke, swimming, and zip line. Unfortunately, archery was cancelled due to the upcoming “hurricane” that came thru the area on our way home. At the end of the month, we celebrated Gabriel’s 21st birthday and first legal drink. In addition, fall session of soccer started with four players this year. It made for fun juggling and I was thankful when Mark bought his own car so her could help with driving.

We were so busy all summer long that I looked forward to school beginning again so I could have more spare time to plan Stephanie and Martin’s wedding. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my earthly angels, Sabrina and Maryam for all their help. Maryam and her team at All Events Solutions threw the best wedding reception and I had so many compliments from our guests. And a special shout out to grandma for her labor of love making Steph’s wedding dress!

The new school year saw Gabriel as a college student at our local community college. Mark is a junior. Jenna began high school. Clare started middle school and through our charter school she is enrolled in Choice Plus Academy where she attends classes online and is thriving with all A’s. Sara is in 4th grade and Aaron is in 1st. Both of them also have online classes during the week with me overseeing their work.

The last three months of the year were the most spectacular of them all! At the end of September I was able to fly out to Wisconsin for the future Mrs. Shepardson’s bridal shower. I came home to a house full of sick people while I had T-30 days to finalize Sissy and Martin’s wedding. Enter my sister, Tery, who dropped everything to come out and help me. She not only helped with last minute wedding things she cleaned the entire house!! Mr. and Mrs. Medina walked down the aisle on October 21st and we have had a blast welcoming Martin into our family and our home.

Two weeks or so later, Ken and I fled the country (literally) as Ken was invited to join his company for President’s Club in St. Martin. Enter white sand beach directly off the steps of our room. I enjoy snorkeling, swimming, sunbathing, eating, and meeting Ken’s Dyntek co-workers! It was truly a magically trip.

We came home the Sunday before Thanksgiving and the following Thursday we flew the whole family (and Grandma!) out to Wisconsin for wedding number two. This was Luke’s first time flying on a plane. That’s what happens when you’re the middle child! Craig and Claire arranged for us to stay at Camp Gray (where they met the summer of ’22 and where the reception was held) and there was just enough snow for the kids to build a snowman. My littles were in their glory.

The best part of the trip was welcoming a new daughter in the family. Now there are two Clare/Claire Shepardsons!!

Three special highlights to note: First, after what was a very emotionally stressful year completing all the tasks that needed to be done for Stephanie’s wedding, my daughter grabbed the mic during her reception and publicly acknowledged all of my hard work.

Next, with all of my galivanting across the country, Jenna was my stand in. One day, out of the blue, she made this announcement to those gathered in the living room and told them all, “You know, Mom works really hard. She gets up at six everyday and does all this work all day long.” It felt really good to be appreciated.

Last, and by no means least, my quiet son Luke, sent me the most special text message while I was gone for Mother’s Day and the best present he gave me was to buy flowers and place them on my mama’s grave because he knows I would have wanted to if I was home. This thoughtful act of kindness is my favorite memory from 2023 and still brings tears to my eyes.

And, with that, we wish you love and joy as we continue our New Year.

Warmly, The Shepardsons

Ken, Laurie, and the Crew: Stephanie (26) & Martin (27), Gabriel (21), Luke (19), Mark (nearly 17), Jenna (15), Clare (11), Sara (9), and Aaron Robert Augustine (6)

What if…

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I’ve been stressed (again) about the house. Why can’t I seem to find time for chores? Am I a bad mom because I don’t implement chores? The other day I had to pick up Luke from the mechanic, where he dropped off his car. After that, I needed to drive Mark to work and then had an appointment with the chiropractor. Once I was home I spent some time helping Jenna with school so she can get through eighth grade before beginning high school.

Later, Luke needed a ride back to the mechanic to pick up his car. I came home and I was STARVING! So, I paused to have lunch. Eventually, Mark needed a ride home from work and then I needed to marinate chicken for dinner the next night. Clearly, I’m a busy mom. Where was there time for chores?

But, what if I wasn’t a bad mom. What if it was God’s will for me to just do what our Lord was asking of me? What if my gift to God was to simply accept the mess and realize eventually I’ll get to it? No one is going to die if the carpet doesn’t get vacuumed. So what if there is clutter? I’ve welcomed these lives from God and I give back to God the clutter they bring with them.

This morning we had First Saturday Mass and a family breakfast. Then Ken and I went down to the city jail to visit our nephew. In addition, we are celebrating a friend’s birthday tonight so there was grocery shopping and a lot of food prep.

I’m just doing what God is asking me to do. Mother Teresa would suggest I do these small things with Big Love. How can I give God BIG LOVE today?

Calm the Storm

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Normally, January is my favorite month of the year. Craig would argue it’s because my favorite child was born during this month. Then, Luke would pipe in to say, “Yeah, on the 26th!”

I like January. I like the newness of it all. Christmas and all the stress and chaos of creating the perfect holiday experience for my kids is over and done and I get a break from it for the next eleven months. I can stare at a blank canvas and imagine with wonder what masterpiece I’m going to create during this spin around the sun.

Then, I started the 21st year of the 21st century off by getting sick. I may or may not have had Covid. I didn’t actually get tested. That would have required getting dressed and leaving the house. However, I can tell you that I was achy and seriously fatigued and spent two full weeks napping, binge watching TV, and lounging around in my pajamas. It was wonderful!!

After two weeks, I made a full recovery and then I turned up the heat. I reflected at how much TV I did watch and I was kind of disgusted with myself. Girl, I thought, it is time to get your cute little tush in gear and get stuff done!

I started out by making my bed and tackling my room. It still appeared as if Christmas had thrown up in this sanctuary I call the Master Bedroom.

Then, I got dressed down to my shoes and did my hair and makeup. I was ready to conquer to the world, or at least, the kitchen.

I had the perfect plan in place. My day planner was organized and I was excited about all that I would accomplish.

And then God said, “Whoa…”

This week, in particular, has been quite rough. On Tuesday, as I was celebrating Luke’s 16th birthday and remembering the anniversary of my father’s passing, I learned of friend whose daughter was killed in a tragic accident. Then, I reached out to another friend to see how her husband’s cancer treatment was going only to learn they had just transitioned to hospice. On top of that, Megan’s job hours and pay were cut in half. And as I sat remembering how my best friend of 31 years died just six months ago, Ken called me to say his was on his way home and his own employment was just terminated.    

Needless to say, my whole world went sideways…

Then, I woke up this morning and opened my “Word Among Us” app to read the Gospel for the day, Mark 4:35-41. The disciples and Jesus were crossing the sea on a boat and a “violent squall” came up and Jesus was in the corner, sleeping on a cushion! With what must have been lots of shouts and screaming, they wake Jesus up and he commands the wind-he, in fact, REBUKES the wind, and says to the sea, “Quiet! Be still!” Then, it was as if he was speaking to me as I read the words, “Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?”  

I don’t know. Do I have faith? Do I trust in the Lord? There is a storm raging inside me. A storm of fear, uncertainty, anxiety. And then there is our Lord telling me to be quiet and be still. I know far more than the disciples. I know how the story ends. I know who wins. I know who is in charge. God’s plan is perfect. I don’t always like it, but I trust in it.

And so, I stop, I listen and I hear God speaking to me. Not quite like a burning bush kind of moment but He is telling me to be still. He’s got this. He has my friends. He has my daughter. He has my husband and his job and our family. God is in control.

This is going to be a fabulous year. We are entering a new chapter in our lives and I can’t wait to read the next page.

If you would like to join me on this journey, please subscribe. I would love to stay in touch and connect with my fellow humans.

Into the desert

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Neil Diamond belted out, “America” as Ken navigated the website to our timeshare.
“Hey babe,” he called. I looked up from my steaming cup of tea as I heard Ken convey to me that we had a thousand points left over that were about to expire. “We should use those before the end of the year.”

I explained how the five weeks of being off work have really negatively affected his judgement as he shared with me a mid-week special that he found in Palm Springs.

Soon after, seven-year-old Clare was crying because it was not going to snow in our southern California neighborhood for Christmas. Five-year-old Sara Lynn then bawled because, although it wasn’t going to snow it was still winter and mommy was not going to let her go out in her bathing suit to romp in the sprinklers. Next thing I know, two-year-old Aaron, whom everyone calls Beb, was en pointe at the fridge, cup in hand, helping himself to water from the spigot, only to land on his tush, a lake of water surrounding his island of a body.

“When can we leave?” I called out.

So, a week before Christmas, with the cards still sitting on the kitchen counter, multiple presents still left to purchase, and even more presents needing to be wrapped and jammed under the tree we took off for the oasis in the desert, remarking how much we were like Jesus, and planned to construct our own personal retreat.

Our trip was lovely. We dined in “The Purple Room,” where the essence of Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Sammy Davis, Jr. resonated the once smoke filled room. We marveled at the intricacies of the plot line while watching, “Knives Out” at the local cinema. On top of that, we managed to squeeze in some shopping for the family as I pointed out a few items that I would need to add to my own Christmas list when we got home.

But, laying out by the pool is my favorite memory. The sun had just dipped behind the backdrop of a hill. The air was crisp, yet the sky was a crystal blue. With book in hand I drank it all in. For a moment I closed my eyes and just listened. There was a makeshift waterfall rushing toward the pool below. Behind it, a hot tub, offering warmth and comfort to its guests, their low voices rising above the bubbles. In the distance I heard the melody of Christmas music bringing cheer to the upcoming season.

Peace…I felt peace. No stress, no worry, no anxiety. The peace that surpasses understanding.

Ken and I took this opportunity away to consider the future. Certainly, there would be homeschooling, sporting events, and home improvement projects to keep us busy. But, also for us to contemplate was our life as a couple and as a family. Ken reflected on his new job that will begin January 2nd. I thought about my commitments to family life and how to incorporate my loved ones in my growing business. We discussed a ministry project that has been on our hearts for some time. We planned out the calendar for the upcoming months and reviewed which events would take place when.

Ken paused for a moment, took off his glasses, and gently placed them down on the table. “You know, babe, this whole trip was providential. I really felt God calling me to check our timeshare to make sure we had banked our points. What a blessing it was for us to have the points to use. And, I really felt God giving me the push to not lose them. He really wanted us here.”

So, God was calling us to the desert after all. And we surrendered.

“I’ve got it!” I jumped up and slapped the table. I was giddy with excitement. “It’s so obvious what our word for the year should be!” He looked at me in anticipation. Surrender!

We had been discussing some good ones-consistency, patience, persistence-but surrender fit us to a tee as we have been recently praying the novena together.

Oh, Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything. Yes, that was it. That is why we were here. To surrender to God our upcoming year. Jesus would take care of everything.

I sat down, took a long sip of iced cold water and expressed gratitude for the clarity.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in You.

Family Fun Day

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Well, our oldest, Megan, married Mr. Shawn Roche on April 7th.

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It was a wonderful, magical day and now the happy couple have started out their new life in Georgia…a mere one thousand, nine hundred, twenty miles away.

It’s back to normal around here. You know, normal with the rest of the gang. Saturdays means sports around here and while Dad and the boys were watching Mark throw the winning touchdown for his flag football team the girls and I (and baby Aaron) were at the soccer field with Jenna.

All I can say is, “Thank you God for the grace of patience.” These girls are busy!

The first thing is Sara was hungry…don’t feel too bad for her. Sara Lynn is ALWAYS hungry. Mostly, because she was bored. The game hadn’t begun yet and of course she couldn’t play with the toys we brought.

Aaron was content in the stroller but not for long. Clare and Sara made sure of that. They had to get in his face. And next thing I know he wanted out and wanted me. Yay. We spent most of the first half nursing with him squirming just enough to flail his arms and show off our little private moment to the world.

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Meanwhile, Clare had to go to the bathroom. Thank goodness Stephanie was there to help me.

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Finally, Aaron fell asleep but by then the breeze had pick up just enough to cause problems with the sportsbrella. So, there I was attempting to describe to the six year old how to attach the rope pieces to the lawn awning. Didn’t go well. Thank you coach for helping!

My favorite part came while the girls were fighting. Clare had the bag of umbrella pins and Sara had grabbed them. While they were playing tug o’ war I called out screaming, “Sara Lynn, make like Elsa and LET IT GO!” She voted to not obey. So, I had to bring out the big guns.

“Sara, maybe after the game, when all of the kids go out to lunch for their date with dad, I’ll just have to take you home.” Sara is just shy of four. She doesn’t go on dates with dad. She has to wait until she is five. So, today was going to be a special treat for her. My comment caused her to melt down, but not for the reasons I was thinking. She wasn’t as concerned about her Daddy as she was about her stomach.

All of a sudden she began screaming: I’M HUNGRY! I’M HUNGRY! I’M HUNNNGGGRY! And she was crying and crying as if she was never going to eat again. Oh dear…attempting to not wake up the sleeping nine month old I called her over to comfort my sweet daughter. Suddenly, I remembered the bag of peanuts I had in the diaper bag. Yesterday, as we were leaving Little Flowers my friend asked me if I wanted some because I mentioned I was hungry. I decided not to eat them as I was fasting for a friend who was having surgery. Thank goodness for that. Extra graces for my friend, and a snack for my daughter.

In the end, Jenna’s team won 2-1. Go REVOLUTION!!

We met up with the boys at Arby’s and enjoyed a nice lunch together. How blessed I am to spend the day with my family.